The Beauty in Life’s Current

*For reference, the use of the name Emily in this article is a pseudonym and does not represent a real person.

The ebb and flow of relationships is an intrinsic part of human existence. Heartbreak and the loss of loved ones are inescapable chapters of life. These endings, marked by aching hearts and restless wonders, are reminders of the inevitable beauty of the rhythm of life. 

These experiences have been constants since the beginning of time. Over the ages, humans have begun to gain insight into how to cope with loss and heartache, discovering the necessary steps to heal, move on, and prosper. Writers and filmmakers have built entire industries around exploring romantic breakups and familial loss, reflecting society's universal experiences with these emotions. 

From the five stages of grief to navigate death, to therapists with years of training to mend marriages, and the treasured wisdom everyone seems to have on overcoming heartbreak, there seems to be somewhat of a map to navigate these feelings. But when I was confronted with a breakup that wasn’t romantic nor kin, I found myself at a loss, unsure of what road map could guide me through my thoughts and emotions.

Emily was my closest friend from preschool through the fall of my junior year of high school. She taught me how to tie my shoes, throw a lacrosse ball, and was with me through every milestone, good and bad. She had the natural ability to make me laugh harder than anyone else could, and no matter what life threw at me, Emily was always there. 

But despite Emily being by my side through so many life events, she wasn’t always the friend who uplifted me or helped me feel confident and secure. But, despite these feelings, I felt somewhat obligated to stay close to her because of all the good times we shared and our long, connected history. And, unlike romantic relationships, friendships aren’t as simple to end at will. In a romantic relationship, if you’re unhappy, you can say, “I want to break up,” and that’s it—it’s over. Friendships, however, don’t follow those same clear-cut rules. 

However, during my junior year of high school, after more than thirteen years of friendship, it became clear that the way Emily made me feel had crossed a line I couldn’t ignore. After much reflection, I realized it was time for our friendship to end. But how does one navigate the end of a friendship? There aren't any guidebooks or step-by-step or overwhelming advice. I couldn’t follow the cinematic advice and abruptly end it, binge a TV show, eat a pint of ice cream, and try to move on; it felt much more complex than that.

In our case, it happened gradually and awkwardly. We avoided addressing the growing tension, and our friendship slowly faded without any clear conversation. Not only was there no guidebook to end a friendship, but there wasn’t one for how to navigate my feelings. Usually, in a breakup or death, people expect you to feel down for a while and offer support through comforting gestures, thoughtful gifts, or simple check-ins. But when it came to the end of our friendship, I didn’t receive any of this, making me question if my feelings were valid.

Now, after reflecting on this phase of my life, I am confident that my feelings are more than valid; it is the lack of awareness that people have around friendship breakups that caused me to feel invalidated. After experiencing it and feeling the raw emotions, I've put together a guide to navigate these confusing, sometimes awkward situations. 

Firstly, when you begin to have issues or feel insecure in a friendship, don’t be scared to bring up “the elephant in the room” and communicate your feelings. It sounds easier said than done, but genuinely confronting those feelings before the awkward distancing and resentment begin is crucial in growing your friendship. In this conversation, be honest and vulnerable without being overly dramatic or bringing up frustrations irrelevant to the real issue. 

Next, see how your friend responds to you; if they are defensive or aggressive, step away from the situation and don’t be scared to tell them you need space—being more outright about your feelings and what’s upsetting you makes setting boundaries easier while preventing the friend from feeling ambushed. Make sure to mention the aspects of the friendship you cherish and the qualities you love about them as a friend because you have this friendship for a reason, and hearing the values that others love about you is an irreplaceable feeling.  

If these issues aren’t resolved or boundaries aren’t respected, handle it similarly to how a romantic relationship is expected to be. Tell them that you want to “break up with them.” As weird as it seems to say that sentence towards a friend, it shouldn’t. They are as important or more important than a romantic partner. Friendships are sacred relationships with abundant love. Like a romantic partner, you love one another deeply, spend quality time together, and share the deepest parts of yourself. As difficult or awkward as it may be, nobody should make you feel less than. 

Now what was most confusing for me in the situation was the aftermath. I lost one of the most important people in my life since I was in preschool, and I received no “how are you?” or grieving time from family or friends. This made me question myself and my many different emotions: Should I not feel sadness? Am I overreacting? This must not be a big deal? The lack of reaction from others caused me to hold my feelings in.

After those feelings of confusion, I want you to know that your feelings are entirely valid. The lack of acknowledgment or support from society when you lose a friend is a reflection of a gap in our community, not a flaw in you. Friendships mean a lot to us, and feeling everything is essential. I recommend writing in a journal or discussing it with someone you trust. Never let yourself feel that your emotions are invalid. And as dramatic as it feels, grieve the friendship as you would a breakup, divorce, or the loss of a loved one because losing a friend truly is a big deal, but although it is a big deal, don’t let it overwhelm you.  

Over time, your perspective will shift as you allow yourself to fully process your emotions and give yourself the space to heal. Gradually, you’ll begin to see them less as the friend they once were and more as someone who, despite the challenges, left you with memories worth cherishing. You’ll understand and accept why they are no longer a part of your life, finding peace in both the past and the present. Although difficult, the end of a friendship or any relationship serves as a profound reminder of the beauty of life's unpredictable current.